• Columbia Hockey Writers

Two Fine Reporters Lose Jobs

NEW YORK---- NEW YORK


Mark Rassell


CUCH Hockey corporate sponsor Quant Corp. announced yesterday that due to current circumstances (a few bad investments by the Quant himself), they will be cutting funding to the CUCH Hockey Writer’s Association. While this may mean the end of the CUCH Hockey Writer’s association for now, it also means two of New York City’s best journalists are out of work.


Senior Reporter Zack “LSJ” Marcil helped build the CUCHWA from the ground floor and took it all the way to the mezzanine level in a few short years. Zack’s statistical approach to journalism led Columbia Hockey fans to fall in love with his visionary perspective on analytics. Each article had fans demanding more numbers, and more ways to analyze the on-ice performance of CUCH. Marcil coined the now famous line “CUCH does hockey well” and is nominated for the Pulitzer Prize for his moving article “Bring Them Home.” He will be missed by Columbia fans everywhere. Zack could not be reached for comment at this time as he has signed a Non-disclosure agreement and has been placed in Witness Protection Program as a part of his deal to not release any of the secret formulas that he and Quant Corp’s Head of Sabermetrics Jeremy Coste had created.



The CUCH Writer’s Association’s other reporter, an up-and-coming Junior Reporter who had been promoted and demoted and repromoted and then redepromoted more times than people can count, Mark Rassell (aka Manello Ranabello, aka Marcellus Ranabellus, aka Mike Russelle) has also lost his job. Mark was best known for his constant controversy stemming from his renegade, no one is safe, style of reporting. Over his career as a junior reporter, Ranabello has been blocked on Twitter by many club hockey accounts, started an international controversy over the location of Neumann University, and discovered many new rinks in the Tri-state area by mistake while trying to find where Columbia is playing.


Mark Rassell On Campus Contemplating His Bleak Future


Quant Corp’s decision comes after the Ivy League announced that all winter semester sports seasons would be cancelled. This decision is disheartening to many members of Columbia Hockey, but most disappointing to those players who will be graduating and moving on from the program. The most notable senior who is missing out on his final season is team president, captain, and leading scorer Andy Dunn. Dunn’s tenure as team president has seen the CUCH Lions grow from laughingstock to legitimate contender. The peak of the program occurred last season, with an undefeated, second-place finish at East Coast Showdown, followed by the program’s first playoff appearance in years where they had a lead in the second period of the semi-finals. Nobody remembers what happened after that. It is likely they cancelled the season due to Covid so there is no point, at least journalistically, to remember what actually happened in the playoffs.


Whether this is the end of the CUCH Hockey Writer’s Association for good, or if it is just a short hiatus until play resumes, no one will know. Quant Corp. cancelling their funding of the association hurts. When I reached out to their CEO Mr. Quantitative all he had was this to say: “Hello, you’ve reached the voicemail of Quant Corp. Please leave a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as possible, thanks.” Journalists are supposed to remain unbiased; however, I must admit that I felt greatly disappointed when that was all the Mr. Quant had to say.


It’s important to note, however, that the season may not be cancelled as the Ivy League’s cancellation of Winter Competition leaves the possibility for gameplay after March 1st. You will hear it from us if and when games are played.


Mark Rassell was a Junior Reporter for the Columbia University Men’s Hockey Lions. He is currently out of work so if you know someone who is hiring please reach out to me on Twitter @Mark_Rassell


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